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In this blog post, you’ll find six steps that help you raise an independent toddler.
In last week’s blog post ‘Encouraging Independent Play in 4 Steps’, I outlined how you can help your toddler to play independently for a while, but there is a lot more to it.
Becoming independent is an important process that doesn’t just happen overnight. But what does it mean when we talk about your toddler’s need for autonomy or independence?
Parents often confuse being independent with being obedient or acting mature.
But that couldn’t be further from what independence means. It’s more than acting mature or following rules.
The dictionary says that being independent is the state of wanting or being able to do things for yourself and make your own decisions, without help or influence from other people.
Being able to do things for yourself and make your own decisions is a big task for anyone, not only toddlers. And this takes time, practice, support, and a whole lot of trust and love.
Sounds more like a journey than a quick task, doesn’t it? That’s why our toddlers need to start early. It is part of their development and a reason for the so-called terrible twos.
I’d like to call them terrific two’s but that’s for another blog post.
Ok, back to the topic. Once your toddler reaches that stage of development, they start wanting to do things by themselves.
Be it getting dressed, brushing teeth, opening doors, or getting in the car. You get the picture. And yes, that often goes along with some very big emotions, power struggles as well as tantrums.
Toddlers long for independence and it’s our job (a very important one for that matter) to support them on this journey. But for us parents, it’s difficult to find a balance between letting our children be independent and not overwhelming them. Let alone knowing how to support a tiny human to become more independent.
That’s where the following 6 steps will come in quite handy. With these steps, you have a good framework to help you support your toddler’s need for independence and autonomy as part of their developmental abilities.
Before we’ll dive in I’d want to address one thing.
You are your child’s safe haven which makes you the perfect person to help them become more independent but you have to be ready.
Why am I saying this? Because your toddler’s growing independence means they’re less dependent on you. And let’s face it, that’s a wonderful and an incredibly scary thing at the same time.
So before you start supporting your toddler’s independence, you might need to remind yourself that this is an important step in your child’s development and that it is ok to be a bit emotional about it.
If you are not sure if you are ready yet ask yourself what being independent looks like for you. And don’t forget, it does not mean being obedient or acting mature.
Learning to be independent means trying new things in a safe environment while knowing that they are supported and not judged when they fail. Your gift to your toddler is your encouragement to try again when they fail.
Are you ready for this? Then let’s take a look at these steps.
Step #1 to raise an independent toddler
Give your toddler small and easy tasks that they can succeed in.
Example:
Let them help set the table and give them one specific task that they can do completely on their own, like putting the napkins on the table. (Carrying the placemats, place a fork on each plate…)
This helps your toddler find confidence in their capabilities and encourages them to take on more difficult tasks.
Step #2 to raise an independent toddler
Let your toddler be part of what you’re doing and show them every step from beginning to end.
This helps your child to observe and get used to certain routines. That again creates a predictable environment.
And a predictable environment enables your child to assess a situation and develop a sense of security that is fundamental to becoming independent.
Example:
It is completely irrelevant what you are doing, be it getting dressed, doing some laundry, or changing a tire. What matters is that you include your toddler in it and narrate what you are doing, so they can observe and learn.
Step #3 to raise an independent toddler
Let your child make mistakes.
I know that’s a hard one because we don’t want our little ones to fail. But isn’t failing one of the most important ways for us to learn and succeed? To learn what does work, we almost always learn what doesn’t.
Letting your toddler make mistakes helps them find a different approach to solving a task. You might be surprised by what their incredible minds come up with.
Step #4 to raise an independent toddler
Ask your toddler for their opinion.
Yes, you’ve read that correctly. Asking for your toddler’s opinion shows them that you’re interested in what they think, that their opinion matters to you, and that they can contribute. Pretty awesome what such a seemingly simple question can do, isn’t it?
Example:
You are wanting to plan a family day.
You could ask your child for their opinion on where to go (give two options), what to do there (one activity), and what snack they would like to bring.
NOTE: I’m not saying you have to let them decide what you are doing. You can if you’d like though. 🙂
It is not so much about what you ask but that you ask about your toddler’s opinion.
One thing almost all toddlers love is when you ask their opinion on what to wear.
“What do you think? Should I wear this sweater or the blue one?”
Step #5 to raise an independent toddler
Let them make decisions.
Making decisions is a huge step toward becoming independent. With every small decision (age appropriate) your toddler feels more self-sufficient and gains confidence that they can do things on their own.
Example:
“Should we have noodles or pizza for dinner tonight?”
“What shall we do first, go to the post office or pick up dog food?”
“Do you want to brush your teeth first or put on your PJs?”
Step #6 to raise an independent toddler
Be their judgment-free zone.
In step #2 we learned that a predictable environment helps your toddler develop a sense of security which they need to become independent.
And the best way to help your child feel safe to go out and try things on their own is by being there for them without judgment, blame, or “I told you so”.
That means after they fail you talk about what went well, what didn’t, and what they could do differently next time.
This gives you the chance to help your toddler cope with setbacks and is also a chance for you to connect and learn a bit more about them. And that’s always a plus, isn’t it?
I’d love to hear how you help your toddler become more independent. And please don’t hesitate to share this blog post with a parent that could benefit from it.