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Becoming a confident parent sounds almost like a dream, doesn’t it?
But why is that? Why do we often feel like we fail as parents and question the way we raise our toddlers?
There are many reasons, but two of the most important ones are our childhood (the way we were raised) and society.
In this blog post, you’ll find out why your childhood and society are interfering with your confidence as a parent and what you can do to actively change that.
I also included a practical part to this post, that will help you become more confident as a parent.
If this post is interesting, you might also like these.
How to parent without punishment, threats, or bribes
Making mistakes is part of being a good parent
Guides for 4 of the most common challenging toddler behaviors
How to set and keep boundaries
Why it matters how we were raised
Ok, let us start by taking a look at what your childhood has to do with how you raise your toddler.
How we were raised has a huge impact on our behavior as parents and the way we perceive our child’s behavior. This means that depending on how your parents treated you in a situation influences the way you see your child.
But not only does it influence that it also takes part in how you chose to parent.
You might want to listen to your toddler and understand their needs because you didn’t feel taken seriously as a child.
Perhaps your parents did let you do whatever you wanted and you felt lost and want to give your little one more structure now – or the other way around.
Maybe you had parents that listened to you, took you seriously, and made you feel loved for who you are not how well you behaved. And now you want to be that parent for your toddler.
Conscious and unconscious Triggers
So, no matter if you had a wonderful or not-so-wonderful childhood it has an impact on how you want to raise your child, which values you want to teach, and what behavior triggers you.
Some of it might be conscious while other parts are unconscious. The importance here lies in the chance that, once you are aware of your ‘why’, you can make sure it is actually what you want.
And if you conclude that it is not what you want, then you can change it.
For example, you want your toddler’s room to be spotless at all times and get angry whenever they don’t want to clean up.
The importance here is that your ‘why’ directly impacts the way you feel and what you communicate with your child.
The clean Room Example
Let me make this a bit more tangible using the clean room example.
If you were yelled at and punished as a child when your room wasn’t spotless might have made you feel insecure or afraid and now you want everything to be tidy, so you won’t feel that way again.
Maybe your parents’ house was always a mess and a tidy house makes you feel structured and safe.
Perhaps you remember your family saying that a messy room is a sign of lazy, unsuccessful, trashy people.
Or maybe you remember your parents building forts with you after your room was tidy.
Four variant situations lead to the same situation but for completely different reasons.
Now, what’s my point here you wonder?
What’s the point?
My point is that the feeling you connect with the messy room impacts the way you communicate it with your child.
If it makes you feel out of control or as if you are failing you probably will be stressed and more likely to yell when your toddler refuses to help clean up.
But once you are aware of why you are feeling this way you can make a conscious decision about it.
Do you want your toddler’s room to be clean because you think people are judging or do you want it because you loved fort building with your parents?
This example might not apply to you but I invite you to think about a similar situation and get curious about your ‘why’ by asking yourself the following questions.
Questions to find your Why
1. Why do I want my toddler to do this?
2. Why do I want it to be done at this time?
3. Why do I want it to be done this way?
4. Does it have to be done this way or can I accept a different approach?
Give it some thought you might be surprised what you find out about yourself.
Now that we know why our childhood plays into the way we parent, let’s have a look at why society is influencing that, too.
How Society is influencing your Parenting
It doesn’t matter if you were a parent 100 years ago or if you’d be a parent 100 years from now, nor does it matter where you live.
All this can be different and yet, there are always certain expectations for parents that are considered the norm.
Back in the early 1900s, the roles were clear. The father was responsible to provide for the family while the mother stayed at home and took care of the children and the house.
What, the dad wants to stay home with his children? That’s ridiculous, bringing money home is a man’s job.
A mom wants a career? Well, that’s not normal. A woman should be at home with the children.
At least this was the widespread opinion at the time.
The Norm
This point of view surely has shifted since then (fortunately) but the way society works hasn’t changed too much. There is still ‘the norm’ that should be followed.
Like the norm for when you should have children, how many you should have when you should go back to work, and most importantly how you should raise your children.
“Let your child be independent but make sure it does exactly what you tell them.”
“Let your child make their own decisions and form an opinion but don’t let them ‘act out’.”
“Stay at home and be there for your children but go back to work and be emancipated/provide for your family.”
“Cook fresh every day, keep the house clean, and make this look easy and effortless.”
As you can imagine this list would be endless.
The Keyword
What I’m trying to say is that it’s not surprising that it is almost impossible for us parents to feel confident.
But the keyword here is “almost”.
It IS possible to feel confident as a parent. Yes, for you, too.
The most important thing to do is to find out what your values are and what is important to you – not society, friends, or family – YOU!
Do you already know the values that are most important to you? – Awesome! Now, try to find ways how to pass them on to your toddler.
You might find the blog post How to Parent without Punishment, Threats, or Bribes helpful with that.
You are not so sure about what values exactly you prioritize? – No problem. Take a pen, paper, and a few minutes and write down what comes to your mind.
Most important Values
Adjectives are a good start and then put them in word groups. This might help you find what values are most important to you.
For example:
Write: I value when people are______.
- Kind
- Courageous
- Caring
- Independent
- Loving
Kind, caring and loving could be what you value when people show Empathy and think of others.
Courageous and independent can mean that you value when people are confident and believe in themselves.
(This is just an example. Your list might be longer and include things like: punctual, tidy, and polite…)
The moment you become more confident
The moment you are sure of what you want as a parent, you will find that making decisions becomes easier because you act on something you can stand behind.
And when you find strategies that work for you and your toddler you will feel confident as a parent.
When you can stand behind your values and decisions you can be authentic in your reactions.
What confidence can look like
For example:
One day I walked into my daughter’s room after she took all – yes, each and every piece of clothing – out of her closet to play dress-up. There were clothes scattered everywhere.
Years ago my first reaction would have been to get angry because I was told I was trashy when my room wasn’t tidy, which made me believe I had to correct my daughter’s action.
Luckily I’ve learned about my Why and my most important values before and realized that…
I wasn’t angry at all. I didn’t see a mess. What I saw was this ginormous smile on my child’s face. And at that moment I realized again what I value most. To me, my daughter’s happiness, creativity, independence, and love for learning are by far more important to me than I could ever care about any mess.
So it was easy for me to be confident about my decision not to get angry and chose to join in the fun. And do you know what? My daughter even helped clean up after.
A small shift with a big impact
This is just a small shift in how you see your child and what they do but it can have a huge impact on how you feel about it and how confident it makes you feel as a parent.
Not overwhelmed and stressed but relaxed and thriving. Focussing on what your toddler needs and what is truly important to you before making a conscious decision are what gives you confidence.
I hope this blog post encourages you to find your Why, and make conscious decisions so you can become more confident as a parent.
Do you want more help?
The Toddler Tantrum Guide or the freebie Power Struggles might be what you are looking for.
I’d love to hear your thoughts about this. And please don’t hesitate to share this blog post with a parent that could benefit from it.