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Do you want to know how to parent without punishment and what you need to start today?
Then the following 3 steps are for you.
Knowing that you want to stop punishing your toddler is an important first step and probably the hardest.
Why? Well, if you were raised like I was then punishment, bribes and threats were the main parenting tools used.
They were THE tools we knew and that we were used to. And it was the way most kids were raised.
Our parents believed that this was the right way, the only way to raise responsible, kind and independent children.
Even though research has shown and proven that you can raise your child to be independent, kind, strong, resilient and responsible without punishment, threats or bribes not everyone in your family might see it that way.
Making the decision to break the cycle of yelling and punishments is one that takes courage, because it means doing things differently than our parents. In my book, that is brave.
You are doing what’s best for you and your child. And the fact that you are reading this blog post tells me that you are ready to do this.
Well, then let’s get you started and see what these 3 steps look like so you can start implementing them today.
STEP 1 to parent without punishment: Don’t react to the behavior
Yes, you read that correctly and no, it doesn’t mean let your child do whatever they want to.
Let me explain this and it will make absolute sense to you, I promise.
Any behavior your toddler shows is caused by a need. Not to be confused with a wish.
While a wish is something nice to have its’ something we can easily live without.
Needs though have to be met in order for us to live a healthy life. (water, food, shelter, love, affection, education, autonomy)
We know that babies show non verbal cues when they are hungry, or tired and at some point they start crying.
That’s their way of telling us “hey, I need food” or “I need rest”.
It’s actually pretty awesome when you think of it. We have an inbuilt system that signals when we have a need.
When our babies get older their needs stay the same yet their way of making us aware of them changes as rapidly as they grow.
Even though their way of communicating evolves quickly they are still a long way from telling us what they need.
Simply because they don’t yet know what it is that they need. But that’s for another blog post.
Let’s say your toddler screams, cries and does exactly what you tell them not to do.
That’s usually when we start threatening, or punishing, right?
But why is that and what can we do instead?
In these situations it feels like we are losing control and we only see the behavior that we want to stop.
We want our kids to stop going crazy and just listen, don’t we?
And here is the thing. When you stop focussing on the behavior and rather get curious about the need that causes the behavior you can stop the behavior without punishments.
All you have to do is find out what your toddler needs and meet that need.
Let’s practice this because I know it can be hard to find the need sometimes. Especially when there is more than one need.
Example 1
Your child yawns, is clingy and asks you to pick them up.
What’s the need?
The needs are sleep, rest and affection.
Example 2
You are all snuggled up and comfortable reading your toddler a bedtime story. Once you’ve finished the story your toddler whines and asks for a second and a third one.
What does your toddler need? Another story?
No.
They need affection (feeling protected and safe).
Too easy?
Here’s another one.
Example 3
Your toddler is laying on the floor in the supermarket screaming from the top of their lungs after you told them they can’t have that candy bar.
What does your toddler need in that situation?
They need to be seen and heard (understood).
As you can see it’s not always easy to find the need behind your toddler’s behavior but I promise you it’s worth it.
If you’d like some more help on how to guide your child through a meltdown and tantrum…then take a look at my Toddler Tantrum Guide.
Ok, let’s take a look at the second step you need to start parenting without punishment, threats and bribes.
STEP 2 to parent without punishment: Connect with your toddler’s emotions
One of the most important things besides finding your child’s needs is to connect with their emotions.
As humans we have this deep desire, this need to feel heard, seen and understood. It’s how we build a connection, a true relationship with another person. It’s our way to create a bond and find people we trust.
And this isn’t any less true for our toddlers. The more they see and know that you understand how they feel and what they are going through the more they are willing to cooperate and compromise.
So how can you show your toddler that you understand what they are going through?
There a quite a few different ones. But an easy one that you can implement immediately is to mirror your child’s emotion.
That means when your child is smiling do the same and narrate the feeling.
“I see you are smiling, you are feeling happy.”
You can use this parenting tool for any of your toddler’s emotions.
After a while they will connect the feeling with the word and the facial expressions that come with it.
I can’t wait for you to give it a try. But make sure you are not missing the last of the three steps to start parenting without punishment.
STEP 3 to parent without punishment: Set clear boundaries
This might seem to be the easiest step but I ask you to stick with me and read the whole paragraph. I’m sure you’ll find that there’s a lot more to it.
Conflicts with our toddlers often develop when boundaries are overstepped or pushed.
This often happens when we are not clear about our boundaries or forget to see our toddler’s boundaries.
We are so busy taking care of everything that we get caught in “I need to get this done” that we see everything as a task and oversee your toddler’s boundaries.
Lets’ say your toddler doesn’t want to get dressed, but you make them. Or they don’t want to brush teeth but you make them.
That’s when your toddler screams, yells and does not want to compromise, right?
That’s because you unintentionally overstepped your toddler’s boundaries and by doing that created a conflict. And these often lead to yelling, threatening and even punishing.
So how can you make sure to keep your toddle’s boundaries?
A good first step is to accept their ‘no’ when you ask them for a kiss or hug.
You can then say: “You don’t want a hug right now. That’s ok. It’s your decision.”
You can also use the same words for your own boundaries which makes it easier for your toddler to understand and make a connection.
Sometimes you might feel like you can’t have boundaries like that as a mom. I mean we even have company in the bathroom…
All joking aside boundaries are important. They are not only a form of self care but also make us feel safe.
And by setting clear boundaries with your toddler you teach them how to respect boundaries and how to set their own.
Are you having a hard time setting and keeping your boundaries? Then the Boundaries Mini Guide will help you with that.
Conclusion
To parent without punishment, threats and bribes means we need shift our focus and get curious about the ‘why’. That means we stop trying to control shown behavior but rather find the need that is causing it. It will bring us to a level where we understand our children and want to support rather than correct. A great way to do that and strengthen the bond between us and our children is to connect with their emotions and help them feel understood.
All of this along with setting clear boundaries lets you get away from punishing your child and to creating a framework for your parenting that is based on trust and understanding.
Frequently asked questions
How can I discipline without punishment?
Discipline means to comply with certain regulations, adjusting to a group or situation. Ways to teach this to your toddler are:
- Set and keep boundaries
- Natural consequences
- Let them make decisions
- Accept their “no”
- Include them in the decision making
- Model behavior you like to see
- Tell your toddler what to do
- Prepare your toddler for new situations
- Help with coping strategies for when your toddler is overwhelmed
- …
Are rewards and punishment necessary?
The short answer is no, they are not. The problem with punishments and rewards is that they are extrinsic motivators. Your child shows or doesn’t show a behavior because they are afraid of the consequences or want the reward. That means once punishment or reward is gone the behavior will go back to what it has been before. But when a behavior is intrinsic motivated it will last. And to accomplish that neither rewards nor punishment are necessary.
What can I do instead of punishment?
- Find the reason for you toddlers behavior and focus on that
- Time-in instead of time-out
- Natural consequences
- Take a deep breath before you respond
- Set and keep clear boundaries
- Model the behavior you want to see
- Point out when you see a behavior you like
- Show an alternative behavior
- Use role play to replay a situation
- Change your perspective
- Ask for help
- Set realistic expectations and don’t expect too much
- Let your toddler help find a solution
- …